A joint research study completed just in time for Halloween has made a cracking discovery, indicating poultry-geist activity in office environments far exceeds residential disturbances. In recent decades, the consensus has been that these troublemakers are relatively harmless, except when it comes to resources. Last year alone, over two tonnes of seed were lost to poultry-geist antics in the city of New Yolk alone.
The study was co-led by Professor Yokahama Shell and Nobel Laureate Cooper Livingston, both at Harvest University. It was found poultry-geist disturbances in corporate buildings of high-market-cap companies exhibited an eggsponential increase over the last ten years. “From this, alongside the lack of reports in residential areas, it’s clear the poultry-geists have it out for anything resembling a place of business”, Livingston emphasised.
According to the researchers, poultry-geist manifestations particularly ramp up around the end of the financial year, when corporate jargon reaches its peak. In particular, the study identified multiple words with strong correlations to later poultry-geist appearances. They achieved this by first extracting background audio recordings from netizen cell devices. Then, keyword mentions were cross-referenced to nearby poultry-geist reports using geolocation-time datasets.
The results were insightful: poultry-geist incidents were 95% more likely to occur within 24 hours of internal communications containing the phrases “synergy“, “team spirit“, “two birds one stone“, and “restructuring“. One company, which wishes to remain anonymous, even reported spontaneous feather storms and mysterious cost-model data sheet disappearances following a large stakeholder meeting ripe with corporate buzzwords.
An additional finding was that corporations lacking sustainability strategies to target emissions were particularly hard hit in the past few years. Professor Shell speculated, “The data indicates that the poultry-geists may be expressing a kind of moral rejection of excessive industrialisation. Their activity appears to increase in organisations that prioritize profit over the well-being of individuals and the planet itself.”
The research team noted that these manifestations tended to cluster near offices with long working hours, low air quality, and excessively fluorescent lighting — conditions described by Shell as “eggsistentially non-free-range”.
As Halloween approaches, eggsperts urge office workers to tone down unnecessary use of trigger phrases identified by the study, alongside the term “low-hanging fruit“. Meanwhile, corporations are advised to hire out eggsternal security firms who specialise in seed disguise services, to minimise resource losses eating into corporate budgets.
— Reported by Eggbert Eggleston, Senior New Yolk Coop Correspondent, CCN.
Eggcelent reporting – indeed a real issue. In my local office, the poultry-geists short circuited the coffee machine. Perchance the mischief will let up soon, but with managements recent aggressive profit strategy, hopes are low.